In this life, we deal with many relations and people that hurt us. Forgiveness can be one of the hardest subjects to deal with, especially when it comes to forgiving those that brought us into this world. So we will delve into how to forgive your parents or a parent so that we can heal and live in freedom. We will look at the truth–what the Bible says about forgiveness and prayerfully ask the Lord to be willing and able to obey Him.
What Causes Unforgiveness
If you have lived a life where things went your way and you didn’t have to forgive anyone for what they’ve said or done, you must not live in this world. Jesus told His disciples before He left that in this world we will have trouble. The amplified Bible says trouble as also tribulation and distress and suffering. People can and may have caused us great distress and unbearable suffering.
Our parents are the first people that we meet when we come into the world. We did not ask to be born, let alone get to choose whom we will be born to. That is in the hands of our sovereign Lord. In Genesis when the fall of man took place, Adam and Eve ate from the tree that gave them the knowledge. This gave us the knowledge of good and evil.
Life Expectations
We grow up seeing and experiencing the world. Our beliefs and thought patterns get formed. We find out what to expect from people, especially those closest to us. When your parents have failed you in more than one way, it hardens your heart towards them. It can be hurtful things they say or physical and emotional abuse they inflict on you or someone else you love. It can be the way they handle situations that you adamantly disagree with.
As you get older, your discontent toward a parent or both parents adds on top of another through situations. It can something that they say a certain way that grinds your gears. It can be that they are pushing you too hard towards a path that you do not want to take. Maybe it’s how they make you feel, not ever meeting their expectations of you as if you are a failure. If you ever feel like you are not good enough, it is a lie. Check out this blog here.
Some parents are not capable of showing love, at least the way you receive love. You see this contrast with your friend’s parents. Or your parents or a parent simply have abandoned you to fend for yourself. Someway and somehow, you deem them to be toxic in the end.
What Unforgiveness Looks Like
Unforgiveness can come in many different forms. Some people hold a deep resentment and bitterness towards their parents. Some people completely cut off a parent or both parents. They refuse any communication with them for the sake of their mental health.
Unforgiveness can and does tear relationships apart. We can even feel good about not forgiving them because, in our minds, they don’t deserve our forgiveness. We feel that they deserve our cold shoulder, our lashing back, or ex-communication. And they definitely do not deserve our love.
My Bitterness
For me, I held a burden of unforgiveness towards my father for the majority of my life. I would avoid being in the same room that as soon as he enters a room, I would leave. I would replay in my mind the hurt things he has said and done towards me and the people I loved most. It would boil my blood and put me in a bad mood for the day.
When he is being awful to my younger brother or my mother, it was even more hurtful for me. The fact that I felt powerless to do anything about it when I was younger, made me angry. I hated even speaking with him.
As he got older, he couldn’t be physically abusive anymore. But he still has a lot of verbal weapons. But the thing about unforgiveness is, you give the ugliest identity to the person that you cannot forgive. So even if my father said a simple thing, it would irritate me just because he said it. If anyone else said the same exact thing, it wouldn’t bother me. I had given him one image in mind, one that embodies all the negative attributes that I hate.
The unforgiveness that I held in my heart has turned him into a demon in my mind. No matter what he said or did, if it had something to do with him, I didn’t like it. Hearing his voice alone could send me into the next room or leave the house.
What Does the Bible Say About Forgiveness
Read: Matthew 6:14, Mark 11:25, Matthew 18: 21-22, Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32
You may have seen many verses on forgiveness. God speaks about forgiveness and tells us to forgive. In fact, the Lord’s prayer that Jesus taught us says “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors”.
Read: Matthew 18: 21-35
The Bible has many verses throughout that talk about forgiveness, telling us to forgive. One of the most known parables relating to forgiveness and mercy is in Matthew 18. It speaks of a man who owed his king ten thousand bags of gold. When he and his family were ordered to be sold to repay the debt, he pleaded with the king. The king was merciful and canceled his debt.
But when this man went out, he found his own servant who owed him a hundred silver coin. He demanded that his servant to pay him back. The servant pleaded with him, just as he had pleaded to the king. However, instead of canceling his debt as his own debt was canceled, he put the servant in jail.
In the end, the man was put in jail to be tortured for not extending the mercy that was given to him. Then Jesus told his disciples that this is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.
We see what God tells us to do. We know that we are to forgive our parents. But how come this is so hard to do and practice? How can you forgive your parents?
How To Forgive Your Parents
1. Know Your True Enemy
First and foremost, as we delve into how to forgive our parents, know one thing. You and I have an enemy. That enemy is bigger than who you’re trying to forgive. Satan relishes in your resentment and unforgiveness. He does not want you to forgive, he wants you to be chained in bitterness for the rest of your life.
Satan will attack your mind, reminding you of every little hurtful thing that has happened. He will then demonize the person in your mind, making up scenarios, blowing them out even more. The filter at which you see your parent or parents is now one filled with hardened thorns.
Read: Ephesians 6:12
The Bible tells us we do not fight against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Satan will remind you and chain in bitterness and resentment towards anyone as long as you allow it. He will make you feel good about unforgiveness, telling you they don’t deserve it. Then when you hear of God’s forgiveness, Satan will make you feel guilty that you can’t forgive your own parents.
2. Be Willing To Forgive Your Parents
Once you know that you have evil forces that are pushing you to not forgive, be honest with yourself. Do you truly want to forgive your parent(s)? Is it that you relish in not forgiving because it feels good not to forgive? Or is it that you truly do not know how to forgive? Sometimes what holds us back from taking a step is not wanting to take that step. I know I didn’t want to forgive my father.
So the first prayer I asked is that to give me a willing heart to forgive. I was tired of being bitter, I wanted to be set free and live freely. I wanted to not have to feel annoyance every time I have to be at my parent’s house. My conscience knew the right thing to do was forgive but I couldn’t do it. But, it had to start from me wanting and willing to forgive.
3. Ask To Be Able To Forgive Your Parents
Read: Ephesians 6:10-18, Hebrews 4:12, Philippians 4:13
The thing about being a believer is you always have a secret weapon. That weapon is the word of God which is like a sword. Philippians say the word of God is living, sharper than any double-edged sword. So I needed to be able to that weapon. The Word of God also says that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I do not have to have the means to be able to forgive on my own but God can empower me where I fall short.
So how did I forgive my parent? I wrote down events from growing up that angered and hurt me. Then I asked my heavenly Father to empower me to forgive every single one. I put on that weapon, the words that say I can do all things, including forgiving, through Chris who strength me to be able to do it. I defined the bitter roots to be able to pull them out.
Friend, God has given us what we need to overcome unforgiveness. He gave us His word and His Holy Spirit. We tend to forget that we can go to our heavenly Father for all things. We forget that we have a spiritual enemy that would love nothing more than enslave us in unforgiveness. Satan loves tearing relationships apart and keeping them torn. But, the Son came to set us free so why not live in freedom?
4. Be Proactive
Read: Romans 12:2
We have a spiritual enemy that reminds us daily of things that hurt us. So why shouldn’t we remind ourselves of what God says?
We know that God gave us mercy. We sin every day through our thoughts, words, or actions. And we ask God to forgive us each day. So forgiving our parent(s) can be a daily task as well. It took years for bitterness to build up so it shouldn’t be a surprise that mercy has to be extended daily. The Bible tells us to renew our minds. This means reminding ourselves each day of what we discussed.
People are how they are because of their life experiences. Sometimes our parents are how they are because of their own parents. We expect our parents to know how to be good parents but they are like everyone else trying to figure out life on their own as they go. Their tendencies were formed because of their God-given nature and the life experiences they had. We may not know their full stories and why they are now the way they are.
If you need more resources, there are many great Christian books on forgiveness. A quick search on amazon like this gives you many options. Most importantly, God tells us to forgive, which includes forgiving our parents. We need to give grace and mercy just as He has given us grace and mercy.
Let Us Pray
Heavenly Father, thank you for your Word. We thank you that you have sent your Son to give us eternal freedom. I admit that forgiving is really hard and I sometimes want to take the easy way out and not forgive. My sinful nature wants to stay in the comfortable chains of unforgiveness.
Give me the heart to want to forgive. Empower me to be able to forgive. I want to follow your instruction, telling us to forgive one another just as you have forgiven us. I want to live in your victory and freedom. Give me your heart and help me to be the (man or woman) you call me to be. In Your son Jesus’ name. Amen.